What do I do?

What do I do when my face is streaked with tears and he is standing outside my door? When he is expecting me to look my best for the date I agreed to go on?
What do I do when I know that you are still there, in my apartment, waiting for me? When I remember clearly how impatient you can get if you are kept waiting for too long?

Do I stay and explain everything to him? Or do I act like nothing happened and everything is as it was? No, I can't do that... Something did happen, although I am not entirely sure of what. Do I ask you to leave, despite of everything that has happened? Or do I apologize to him and run back into your arms?

What do you do when you are forced to choose between your future and your past? Of course, I already know the answer... You are everything I want in my future and more. Even though it scares the shit out of me to think that I might lose you again. I guess I have no choice but to take that risk.

I'm sorry, Endo-san, but there is no room for you in my heart.

Dating again?

A few days ago I went to a café with JoungYou not far from school. It had been some time since we had a chance to spend any time together but that day we took the time. It was nice, too. I've missed talking to him, he had always been the one person in my life to whom I can talk about anything and everything. And talk we did, for hours until his fiancé called to remind him how late it was.

Something else happened when we were sitting in that café and I am not sure I should write about it here. I am a little afraid that He would find out... But then again, He probably will sooner or later anyway. Actually, I think JoungYou might have already told Him.

Oh well... here goes..

We were sitting there, waiting for the waiter to bring us our drinks and talking like we always did. Then when the waiter did arrive he put our cups on the table and then lingered to talk to us... Well, it was more to talk to me actually... Turns out he was called Endo Shuichi and he asked me out... On a date... Whenever I was avaliable... And I did not know what to reply.

It feels like it was only yesterday that I was lying in His arms, so how could I possibly agree to go on a date with someone else? But it was not yesterday... It was four years ago and before He came back I would have been ready to take this step towards moving on. So why not now? There is really nothing stopping me... and I need to go on with my life, right?

I accepted.

Time flies

It's odd how my age has never bothered me before. Not even four years ago when I met you. One would think that seeing someone so young would have cause that sort of thinking but it never did for me. Age was never the issue. But now... I do not know why but suddenly it seems like the years are catching up to me.

I will turn 30 next year... I think I have aged more than usual these last few years and soon enough my thirtieth birthday will arrive to remind me of how old I have become. I feel so silly for saying this, but it feels like my life is slipping away. More than a third of my life has passed and I have spent it doing what? Studying and working. And I am no closer to my dream than I was ten years ago.

But what can I do? My job is all I have, just as it always has been. I enjoy it, too, but it will never be enough.

Thank you

I do not think I have ever expressed how truly thankful I am to your presence during the last four years. Without you... I do not know how I would have made it. I was completely torn up. Especially during the first year. I did not work, I did not eat... All I did was lay in my bed all day. Kind of pathetic now that I think of it. But you did not give up on me. You encouraged me to move on, to go back to work again, and you forced me to start eating. I did not like it at the time and I was too busy wallowing in selfpity to realize what a burden I must have become to you. But burden or no, you still took care of me and you never complained. Not once.

I have to admit that I miss the time we spent together, but I understand that you have your fiancé to take care of. It's not like I'm jealous or anything. I'm happy for you, I really am. I'm just feeling nostalgic, I guess.

Anyway... I haven't seen you in a while and I just wanted to say thank you.
So, Thank You. For everything.

Oh, and I believe congratulations are in order. I know the two of you are planning to adopt. Considering how well you took care of me, I'm sure you are going to be a great parent. Then again, I knew that already.


I know that You are reading this too. I have suspected it for a while, but I did not know for sure until you left that comment. I suppose I should mind... But then again, maybe you will learn something from it. So I will continue writing as usual.
God knows I need the outlet.

As time passes...

I went to the park after work today... I saw a swan swimming along the edge of a pond and could not help but think of him. And everything came back to me. Isn't that silly?

"What made you run off like that?"

"Better go back, sensei...

before anyone notice that you are here with me."

"Don't blame me..."

"I like you..."

"I have no interest in going out with you at all. You're a selfish and spoiled brat!"


"You're dropping out?"

"Don't you fucking dare calling me a coward!"

"What is it that you do not understand in go away?"

"Wha-what are you doing?!"

"Tell me, why are you denying yourself this?"

"If anyone found out about this..."

"If you just let me date you..."

"I don't hate you..."

"If I wait...

...will you wait for me?"

一目惚

I do not believe in love at first sight. To me, a first impression is not nearly enough to make me feel something as strong as love. Especially if that first impression is a bad one... I mean, even though you dislike a person when you meet them for the first time, who is to say that you will not like them after you get to know eachother. It is not like you can learn everything about one another in just a couple of seconds. No... That is quite impossible.

Love is something that you have to work for and once you have gotten it, you should be careful so you do not lose it again. Still... Getting to the point in life where you realize that you are in love is not the hardest part. It is much, much harder to hold on to that feeling... and to hold on to the person you love. Especially if that person was one of those people who do not leave a good first impression...

All humans come with baggage... and I suppose some people's baggage is harder to deal with than others. No matter how much you love them.

The students always get particularly rowdy this time of year. School has only just started and sitting diligently in a classroom when the sun is shining is not exactly something they want to do. Especially since the art room's large windows give the enitre class a wonderful view of the cherry trees outside. It is only going to get worse, of course. The weather is only going to get better and the students are going to get more restless. I only wish I could share their enthusiasm...

It has been months since he showed up again but I am still processing the thought of having him around again. I do not know what to think and the students are making it impossible to focus on my work so there is nothing left that can provide a suitable distraction.

Spring is always the hardest time to teach.

Spring breeze

I really enjoy the spring. The sun was shining brightly today and it was so warm that I was able to sit outside and paint for hours. No matter how much I like the winter you just can not do that kind of things during the cold months of the year. Also, the spring is such a fleeting season in itself that you can never be bored of it. It simply does not last long for those kind of feelings as opposed to the winter which always seems endless.

I really wish I had more time to paint...

Storm over blossoms

Misfortune often comes at times of great happiness and there is nothing that we, as humans, can do about it. We are simply swept away by the winds of fate towards a destination unknown. Planning ahead is useless and to believe that one will stay happy for the rest of their life is just a silly notion without worth. We can never predict future events no matter how hard we try. All we can do is hope that, when the next storm comes, we will come out of it unscathed.