About Kaoru~

There's always something so incredibly nervwracking about the last few hours before a fashion show. It did not even matter how big the show was, or how many people who were attending, it was always the same. Or at least that is what Kaoru guessed. She had never been in a fashionshow before, big or small, but she was certain that the tingling feeling in her tummy was absolutely normal! It wasn’t like she could be the only one who was feeling it. After all, this was a BIG event! The whole school would be watching, as well as people from the local newspaper and all of the parents. Except her own, of course. They were still in Sapporo where she had left them six months ago. Oh well, they probably would not have liked to go to something like this anyway. They didn’t really care for her obsession with fashion and clothing, they were more focused on their daughter getting a good education in the big city. Still, once she got all famous and had her own shop and everything they would just HAVE to be proud of her! Just like Yuki-san was.

Speaking of Yuki… He was supposed to be here! The young woman looked around frantically from her place in the lineup backstage. There were people everywhere; models, designers, teachers, other students… but the one person she really wanted to talk to was no where to be seen! Her Art teacher had promised to come and be her moral support before the big show but he simply wasn’t here! “Oh phooey!" The girl exclaimed, her shoulders sagging and her lower lip protruding in a pout. She knew the man had other responsibilities, of course, so she shouldn’t feel so disappointed that he didn’t come. There was an exhibition in a different part of the school for all of the Art Students and Higurashi-sensei would have to spend most of his time there… but he had PROMISED! And Yuki-san always kept his promises!

The next couple of minutes ticked by and Kaoru started to fidget nervously. This was her first ever fashionshow… AND the first time she ever showed her work to anyone other than her immediate friends and family. She had managed to complete five whole outfits, although she had been forced to work late into the night to finish off all of the details. It had been hard work, and she had been sooooo tired, but it was worth it. She was really happy with the small collection she had created and she was sure the audience would like it too. It was cute, so who wouldn’t? But the strange tingling sensation in her tummy persisted. Oh, if only Yuki-san was here! He always knew the right things to say to make Kaoru forget all about her nerves.

“Kaoru-chan!" Kaoru’s eyes snapped up in surprise when she heard her name being called out and she looked around, quickly spotting her beloved teacher behind a horde of other students. He smiled at her and slowly made his way through the crowd to greet her. “I told you I would be here, didn’t I?"

“Mm!" The young woman nodded ecstatically, a bright smile spreading across her face. Then she did a little twirl, her wide skirt flaring and her red curls bouncing in the air. “How do I look?"

Her teacher smiled gently and tucked a stray strand of hair behind her ear. “You’ll knock them dead."

Her nerves were completely forgotten.

Yuki Higurashi

The Artist

Basics

Name (& pronunciation): Yuki Higurashi
Date of Birth (& age): January 24^th, Age 30
Place of Birth: Yokohama, Japan
Gender: Male
Species/Racial Origin: Japanese, Human
Social Class/Community Status: Teacher
Language: Japanese, some English and French
Family/Friends/Pets/Etc: The only family he has conists of his parents. His father is over 50 years older than Yuki and his mother, while not quite as old, has been diagnosed with lungcancer.

He met his best friend Keiko many years ago when he moved into the apartmentbuilding that they both live in now. Back then Yuki would go to Keiko with all of his problems, and they were even lovers at one point, but they started to drift apart when Yuki started seeing ChangMin. The korean man and Keiko never saw eye to eye and they were constantly at eachother’s throats so Yuki decided it might be better if he kept the two of them away from eachother. Nowadays he barely gets to see Keiko at all.

In the last year of his relationship with ChangMin Yuki got to know he other man’s brother JoungYou better. Then when ChangMin finally disappeared it was his older brother that got stuck with the task of comforting Yuki.

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Additional Notes

Thinking too much again...

A lot of time has passed since I last wrote here... And a lot of things have changed. I do not know how to explain it, just thinking about it makes it even more complicated than it was at the start. I always do that, you know... I think too much about things and then, after a while, I do not know truth from lie... nor do I recognize honesty. Perhaps I am all to blame... But then again... I have fought so hard, for so many years, and it has gotten me nowhere. I am still in the same position as I was all those years ago... fighting to keep you by my side... fighting to keep our family together.

Perhaps I was foolish to ever think it would work... We are too different, you and I, so very different that I am starting to doubt that we ever had anything in common... Anything but ourselves that is. Back then I thought that to be enough, but now I am not so sure anymore. We are drifting apart, whether or not you choose to believe it. And I... I do not know what to do anymore.

Tell Kim to call me again if he wants to talk to me. He can reach me on my cellphone if neccessary. The same goes for the rest of them. I have to go to work now.

How it all started...

The first time you walked into my classroom I thought you were the most arrogant and spoiled brat I had ever met. You came bursting in way after the class had begun and everybody just accepted your tardiness with a look of adoration on their faces. Everyone except me that is. I was the teacher after all and, even though Visual Arts might not be considered as an important subject as most, I have always strived to make my students take my classes seriously. I succeded too, except when it came to you. You always had to be so special, didn't you?

No, don't answer that. It doesn't matter anymore. My point is that you were, indeed, special... You never acted like the other students. Then again, maybe that was just because the other students had never shown any personal interest in their Art teacher before. At least not in a serious way. It was always part of some joke...

You were serious though. And it caught me off guard. I think I even hurt you there in the beginning... With my doubt. Back when I did not know who to trust. But can you blame me? I had been teaching for some years already and then, all of the sudden, the most popular young man in school comes up to me and claims to like me. It is not like it's some daily occurance for me... I know I am not very attractive, and I know that I tend to push people away... So why should I have believed you?

I remember being scared that anyone would find out. Even though nothing serious would have happened between us, I still could have lost my job, or at least have been put under investigation, if anyone saw us together and assumed the worst. But despite everything I did to try to get you off my back, you never gave up. You kept coming with your invitations to dinner and whatnot. You even showed up outside my door on more than one occassion. I can not imagine what the Dean would have thought if he knew about that...

My point is... What is my point? I... I grew to know you. You were more than the selfish brat that had first come into my classroom thinking you were on top of the world. You were you... And you made me fall in love with you. On the same day when I first realized that you were serious about me... That was when I finally admitted it to myself. I loved you.

I was in love with my eighteen-year-old student... Good job, Yuki.

What do I do?

What do I do when my face is streaked with tears and he is standing outside my door? When he is expecting me to look my best for the date I agreed to go on?
What do I do when I know that you are still there, in my apartment, waiting for me? When I remember clearly how impatient you can get if you are kept waiting for too long?

Do I stay and explain everything to him? Or do I act like nothing happened and everything is as it was? No, I can't do that... Something did happen, although I am not entirely sure of what. Do I ask you to leave, despite of everything that has happened? Or do I apologize to him and run back into your arms?

What do you do when you are forced to choose between your future and your past? Of course, I already know the answer... You are everything I want in my future and more. Even though it scares the shit out of me to think that I might lose you again. I guess I have no choice but to take that risk.

I'm sorry, Endo-san, but there is no room for you in my heart.

Dating again?

A few days ago I went to a café with JoungYou not far from school. It had been some time since we had a chance to spend any time together but that day we took the time. It was nice, too. I've missed talking to him, he had always been the one person in my life to whom I can talk about anything and everything. And talk we did, for hours until his fiancé called to remind him how late it was.

Something else happened when we were sitting in that café and I am not sure I should write about it here. I am a little afraid that He would find out... But then again, He probably will sooner or later anyway. Actually, I think JoungYou might have already told Him.

Oh well... here goes..

We were sitting there, waiting for the waiter to bring us our drinks and talking like we always did. Then when the waiter did arrive he put our cups on the table and then lingered to talk to us... Well, it was more to talk to me actually... Turns out he was called Endo Shuichi and he asked me out... On a date... Whenever I was avaliable... And I did not know what to reply.

It feels like it was only yesterday that I was lying in His arms, so how could I possibly agree to go on a date with someone else? But it was not yesterday... It was four years ago and before He came back I would have been ready to take this step towards moving on. So why not now? There is really nothing stopping me... and I need to go on with my life, right?

I accepted.

Time flies

It's odd how my age has never bothered me before. Not even four years ago when I met you. One would think that seeing someone so young would have cause that sort of thinking but it never did for me. Age was never the issue. But now... I do not know why but suddenly it seems like the years are catching up to me.

I will turn 30 next year... I think I have aged more than usual these last few years and soon enough my thirtieth birthday will arrive to remind me of how old I have become. I feel so silly for saying this, but it feels like my life is slipping away. More than a third of my life has passed and I have spent it doing what? Studying and working. And I am no closer to my dream than I was ten years ago.

But what can I do? My job is all I have, just as it always has been. I enjoy it, too, but it will never be enough.

Thank you

I do not think I have ever expressed how truly thankful I am to your presence during the last four years. Without you... I do not know how I would have made it. I was completely torn up. Especially during the first year. I did not work, I did not eat... All I did was lay in my bed all day. Kind of pathetic now that I think of it. But you did not give up on me. You encouraged me to move on, to go back to work again, and you forced me to start eating. I did not like it at the time and I was too busy wallowing in selfpity to realize what a burden I must have become to you. But burden or no, you still took care of me and you never complained. Not once.

I have to admit that I miss the time we spent together, but I understand that you have your fiancé to take care of. It's not like I'm jealous or anything. I'm happy for you, I really am. I'm just feeling nostalgic, I guess.

Anyway... I haven't seen you in a while and I just wanted to say thank you.
So, Thank You. For everything.

Oh, and I believe congratulations are in order. I know the two of you are planning to adopt. Considering how well you took care of me, I'm sure you are going to be a great parent. Then again, I knew that already.


I know that You are reading this too. I have suspected it for a while, but I did not know for sure until you left that comment. I suppose I should mind... But then again, maybe you will learn something from it. So I will continue writing as usual.
God knows I need the outlet.

As time passes...

I went to the park after work today... I saw a swan swimming along the edge of a pond and could not help but think of him. And everything came back to me. Isn't that silly?

"What made you run off like that?"

"Better go back, sensei...

before anyone notice that you are here with me."

"Don't blame me..."

"I like you..."

"I have no interest in going out with you at all. You're a selfish and spoiled brat!"


"You're dropping out?"

"Don't you fucking dare calling me a coward!"

"What is it that you do not understand in go away?"

"Wha-what are you doing?!"

"Tell me, why are you denying yourself this?"

"If anyone found out about this..."

"If you just let me date you..."

"I don't hate you..."

"If I wait...

...will you wait for me?"

一目惚

I do not believe in love at first sight. To me, a first impression is not nearly enough to make me feel something as strong as love. Especially if that first impression is a bad one... I mean, even though you dislike a person when you meet them for the first time, who is to say that you will not like them after you get to know eachother. It is not like you can learn everything about one another in just a couple of seconds. No... That is quite impossible.

Love is something that you have to work for and once you have gotten it, you should be careful so you do not lose it again. Still... Getting to the point in life where you realize that you are in love is not the hardest part. It is much, much harder to hold on to that feeling... and to hold on to the person you love. Especially if that person was one of those people who do not leave a good first impression...

All humans come with baggage... and I suppose some people's baggage is harder to deal with than others. No matter how much you love them.

The students always get particularly rowdy this time of year. School has only just started and sitting diligently in a classroom when the sun is shining is not exactly something they want to do. Especially since the art room's large windows give the enitre class a wonderful view of the cherry trees outside. It is only going to get worse, of course. The weather is only going to get better and the students are going to get more restless. I only wish I could share their enthusiasm...

It has been months since he showed up again but I am still processing the thought of having him around again. I do not know what to think and the students are making it impossible to focus on my work so there is nothing left that can provide a suitable distraction.

Spring is always the hardest time to teach.

Spring breeze

I really enjoy the spring. The sun was shining brightly today and it was so warm that I was able to sit outside and paint for hours. No matter how much I like the winter you just can not do that kind of things during the cold months of the year. Also, the spring is such a fleeting season in itself that you can never be bored of it. It simply does not last long for those kind of feelings as opposed to the winter which always seems endless.

I really wish I had more time to paint...